My Child is Not A Tomato

Baby-preparation books ready you for parenthood by easing you into the transition. As the baby grows, they tend to keep you updated with incremental changes in the baby's biology, slowly making you used to the idea that it's not a bump, it's a Person.

One of the main ways is through the provision of constant updates on the baby's size. "Today your baby weighs approximately xx pounds and is xx long." Of course, dry statistics, while informative, don't help with visualization, so the books provide helpful comparisons.

Before we touch on the comparisons, however, I need to note that the books (at least those recommended to us) are largely very creative. Problems I would never have conceived of (to use a horrible pun; don't worry, it won't be the last) are given concise, clear solutions. They feature humor; albeit more "gentle, good-natured" humor. More Chris-Rock-in-Grown-Ups than Bigger & Blacker. (I assume; I refuse to see Grown Ups).

I highlight the creative aspects to highlight the surprising nature of the size comparisons I mentioned earlier. It's ALWAYS produce. For example, today is seven weeks until Due Date (both the biological estimation and, coincidentally, the Downey/Galifinakis buddy comedy). According to What to Expect, our son is the size of a pineapple. Next week, a cantaloupe (because those are bigger than pineapples, apparently). After that, a honeydew melon. Then he's as long as chard.

This isn't a new phenomenon, either. We've been tracking his size since apple seed. We had a doctor's visit on the same date as raspberry. There are other examples they could have used. Without moving my head I can see DVD case, candlestick, coffee mug, cellular phone, spice jar and purse. (Sarabeth would want me to lie here and say these objects are all nicely and neatly put away.)

Which is all by way of saying that I'm convinced that these books are so big on healthy eating that they've tried to subliminally plant the idea of nutritious items in your head. Won't work; I still like cheese.

They'll regret this if the attempted mind control goes wrong and someone tries to eat their own baby.